Validation is not Victory

Why do we crave validation so deeply in our core?

There is exchange of emotional goods and services when you get verbal or physical (trophies, emails, money) validation. The equation goes something like this: Completing a task + get a verbal (or a grade) cue we’ve done things properly and well.

As young kids we looked to our teachers, parents, aunts and uncles for external validation. As teens that shifted to peer groups and sports captains and coaches. In young adulthood validation comes from promotions, grad school acceptances, engagements and bosses.

Throughout time, the validation becomes less structured and not guaranteed. We move from constant grades and check ins to annual reviews at work with a slap on the back. Perhaps the scarcity of those straight As makes us hunger for pleasing words of those older or in positions of power at work.

In my work as a Coach and Reiki Master over the last five years, I realize that creating my own personal goals is critical to have a voice in what’s next. 

It took me resigning at the 20 year mark for some colleagues to say a few kind words to me.  Truthfully, I wasn’t expecting anyone to validate me on the way out the door, but it kept happening. I paused and finally really felt it in my bones.

Here’s how I embodied the external compliments differently this time:

• Let compliments soak in with deep breaths

• Create a file of texts and emails to read when I’m down on myself (which even happens to Oprah)

• Say thank you (that’s IT!)

• Feel the impact of your work by taking time to celebrate projects 

Try on accepting the validation but let go the need for it.